The pretentious urban homes !
Grow your Mind, not your Ego Grow your heart, not the shackles that confine your love
Urban homes ! Many of us still live in a bubble where we think that all acts of regression belong in the villages and the cities are where mindsets are evolved and where people choose to progress with the changing times. I have more often than not burst my own bubble on this. It shocks my very core when I realize that migration from villages to cities has very little to do with it. In fact many a times even education doesn’t. Really, I mean it. Even education doesn’t have a role to play.
You know what has a role to play - MINDSET.
You need a growth mindset to progress to greater heights. You need a growth mindset to advance yourself as a person.
And that mindset is not something you need to necessarily be born with, but you need to inculcate it, hone it and train it.
I watch women still being treated as if they ought not to have a will of their own.
I watch women being tamed to believe that their only job is to produce children and once produced, to raise them.
I watch women being made to accept that their sole birth was for the purpose of managing the house/kitchen and children.
I watch women being PERMITTED to spend time with their parents.
I watch women being INSTRUCTED to return home on one command.
I watch the standards of adherence shift conveniently between daughters and daughters in law.
I watch women curdling with guilt of not being able to fulfil their duties towards their own parents for fear of being judged in their marital homes.
And yes, I watch all of this in modern, urban, cosmopolitan homes where every single member (old and young) of families is educated, well read with robust professional careers that they pride themselves with.
And then I wonder, should I pride myself in calling it out to them and to the world.
Or should I feel guilt at my umpteen unsuccessful attempts at changing these mindsets.
Should I pride myself for surviving and not succumbing to this obsequious path I was supposed to follow as per them.
Or should I feel ashamed of just being around.
Did we need to create separate subjects in schools that teach humanity and equality ?
What part of the upbringing festered this fixed mindset where there is no room for change and improvement ?
What part of the brain didn’t agree to grow along with other limbs ?
I always hoped that we are on a road to building better times for women and the coming generations.
But these past few weeks, I have seen such darkness around with dusty cobwebs engulfing minds. The dark, murky cave that encloses women is covered with mammoth boulders of static minds without a sight of light.
This decadence of “humanity”, and yes I call it that and not “equality” in urban homes in not only unveiling the myopic views of the older generation but is also looming around with a threat to wreck the younger minds that can be still molded.
I felt saddened
I felt humiliated as a woman
I felt disheartened that my voice over the past decade couldn’t change the mindset of even the few people around me
I felt dejected
I felt alone in my fight
I felt at a loss, a complete loss
What more can I do to shift this reality that we are living besides continuously voicing my innate nauseating and repelling feelings towards these iniquities.
I sat around feeling distressed, sifting through books and articles to find some light at the end of the tunnel.
And I came across a great tool that opened my eyes to a new way of thinking. Something that gave me hope to switch perspectives, swap roles and try again.
It is called the Drama Triangle.
The Drama Triangle was first described by Stephen Karpman in the 1960s. The triangle maps a type of destructive interaction that can occur among people in conflict. The triangle of actors in the drama are persecutors, victims, and rescuers.
Now, do you identify yourself as:
A victim: The Victim in this model is not intended to represent an actual victim, but rather someone feeling or acting like one. The classic "Why me! Or “Poor me" syndrome. The Victim feels victimized, oppressed, helpless, hopeless, powerless and seems unable to make decisions, solve problems.
The Rescuer: The rescuer's line is "Let me help you." A classic enabler, the Rescuer feels guilty if they don't go to the rescue. Yet their rescuing has negative effects: It keeps the Victim dependent and doesn't allow the Victim permission to fail and experience the consequences of their choices.
The Persecutor: (a.k.a. Villain) The Persecutor plays the blame game. It insists, "It's all your fault." The Persecutor is controlling, blaming, critical, oppressive, angry, authoritarian, rigid, and superior.
Which one of the above roles do you tend to identify with ? Which role do you tend to instinctively embody ?
If you feel akin to a victim: You need to change roles to become a creator. A creater of solutions. You don’t need to feel victimised or preyed upon. You need to help yourself. These situations are only coming and embracing you in its grip because you are not taking responsibility to own the situation and figure a way to deal with it. You are the solution. You are the one to make it stop. You are the one that needs to break out of this vicious pattern.
If you feel akin to a Rescuer: You need to swap roles to become a coach .You cannot rescue every women in need. Teach the women around to fend for themselves. As the old proverb goes, Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and you feed him for a lifetime. Do not take away their ability to solve problems. Teach them how to solve the problems. Enable them, empower them, support them when needed but let them take the lead. Trust them to fight their own battle.
If you feel akin to a Persecutor: You need to become a Challenger. You need to challenge instead of blame. Don’t capitulate but dont blame either. The blame game never ended well for anyone. It’s like a homing pigeon. It will come back to you. Make it constructive. Have healthy discussions. Stand up for your values. Challenge the beliefs that don’t serve you anymore. Let your actions speak louder than your words. Do not act upon things that don’t resonate with your conscience.
I identified myself as a Rescuer and a Challenger and so there’s still work to be done. I conquered one dysfunctional behaviour but I am yet to fully transcend myself from a Rescuer to a Coach. It is a tough one. Nonetheless, I hope to grow into it sooner than later.
Maybe it will lessen the sense of guilt I feel to empower others around me.
Maybe this blog will help others to identify their roles and take corrective action too.
Maybe ! And that maybe is enough to carry me through for now.
Break the mold !
Push yourself beyond your perceived roles.
Eliminate the drama
Face the situation
You can control the way you respond to a situation but you cannot control the reaction or response of others.
So be your own hero without dramatizing your life.
This is the recipe of life
said my mother
as she held me in her arms as I wept
think of the flowers you plant
in the garden each year
they will teach you
that people too
must Wilt
Fall
Root
Rise
in order to Bloom
~rupi kaur~