A dear friend was getting married. It was a close knit affair. I and another girlfriend got together to organize a bridal shower cum mehndi ceremony (pre-wedding celebration in Indian culture when the bride has the red-orange mehndi "stain" applied to her palms, back of hands, and feet) at my place for the bride to be. Since things were happening in a short span of time, the boys gang didn’t end up planning anything for themselves as it anyway needed to be an early night with the wedding the next day and the multitude of arrangements that had to be taken care of.
Ours was a night planned to the T, to ensure that the bride feels as special. No detail was spared, be it elements to pamper her, the décor, lil favors for other girls joining us. It was personalized to the hilt. We were all set to put our feet up and let the night of fun and frolic begin.
Since my husband wasn’t planning to go anywhere and there was no plan for the boys troupe, I requested my husband to watch the kids and also help us with our drinks to which he gladly agreed.
Lo and behold, 30 mins into our party, a boy (my best buddy) turns up to pick my husband up for a casual get together before the wedding bash tomorrow with the boys.
As I watch them, getting ready to leave. I look at my bud and my husband:
Me: Take the kids with you.
The Boys: giving me the most frazzled expression possible
Me: Ours was a planned evening. We cannot be expected to entertain young kids alongside.
The Boys (almost offended): You want us to take the kids to a bachelor pad !
Me: I don’t know where you must take them or whether you stay here, you need to figure that out. But this is not acceptable.
The Boys (now irritated): Don’t be stupid, you know this is not possible.
So they prance out like nothing had happened. And the women ended up trying to juggle their own party and their kids (aged 5-8 years). At every given minute, one mother was in the other room trying to pacify a kid or suggesting ways to keep themselves entertained. We even tried to lock our door at some point but finally gave in for fear of the door handle breaking under the relentless pursuit of our young brats.
Its safe to say that our night was effectively ruined as we ended up playing quizzes with the little ones.
Now, to give things some more context. These boys or rather men that I am referring to are hands-on fathers that have contributed to every daily routine of their kids. Lest you form a different impression. They are not ones to shy away from babysitting, cleaning diapers, feeding kids or even putting them to bed. Our married lives have been nothing but equal in every respect. Yet, do you see the underlying message here ?
In spite of us pre planning our night to the last minute, we ended up having to play mothers/caretakers yet again, for a plan that was made by a couple of boys in 20 minutes flat.
The tenacity with which we are ingrained with unconscious bias is mind boggling.
The primary go-to person for kids is always women.
The fallback option is always women too.
The one to adjust her plans is always women, yet again.
I think the “why’s” of this have been debated to futile ends. And today, I write this only to share my AHA moment on the deep seated bias that even modern men and women of today are living with, without even realizing.
The realization is the first step, the rest will follow.
Identify the unconscious bias you are dealing with, in urban homes. That is half the battle fought.
Once identified, challenge the assumptions. I sure did at 1 AM that night !!
The subtle messaging and programming in our culture is the most difficult to explain. Took me a while to realise it too!
The subtle messaging and programming is always the most difficult to explain. Took me a while also to realise!!!